Sherritt’s Twitter Profile Missing Eight Years

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Janice Hough, on 17 cars catching fire on the roof of a garage at Newark Airport: “I hope the airport at least waived the parking fees.”

  • Torben Rolfsen, on Jose Canseco’s tweet that “aliens have been trying to teach us how to time travel, but first we have to change our body composition:” “If that’s the criteria, I’m surprised a spaceship didn’t land in a major league ballpark around 1998.”
  • JC Sherritt’s Twitter profile: “Calgary Stampeders linebacker coach. Eastern Washington and Evergreen State product.” He should add “jerk.”
  • The Toronto Maple Leafs will reach a milestone this week. It’s been 19,000 days since they won the Stanley Cup. I wonder if they will make it to the 20,000 mark. Here’s hoping.
  • Hough, on the NCAA penalizing Missouri, including a one-year football bowl ban, after finding a tutor did academic work for 12 student-athletes: “What a shame for those young men who have dreamed all their lives of playing in the AutoZone Liberty Bowl.”
  • From Rolfsen: “Gary Bettman announced new tracking technology that will allow him to spy on what Donald Fehr is up to at all times.”
  • From Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Chris Archer: “If you ever failed a test, got suspended, or admitted to using performance enhancers, you should not be in the hall of fame. No hard feelings, but you disgraced the integrity of the game, your stats are tainted. You don’t deserve the honour.”
  • I’ve long thought Pete Rose and Shoeless Joe Jackson should be in the hall, and I have weakened my position on Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. 
  • An 1882 ad that appeared in a South Carolina newspaper: “Cannabis indica, a powerful drug, positively cures consumption and will break up a fresh cold in 24 hours. Three bottles for $6.50.” 
  • Hough, on Jack McKeon, 88, being hired as a senior adviser for the Washington Nationals: “Good for McKeon. But at 88, isn’t ‘senior advisor’ redundant?”
  • From Rolfsen: “Kristaps Porzingis’s trade request was fulfilled so quickly the NBA didn’t have time to fine him.”
  • My apologies for not knowing/crediting the writer of this joke: “A Florida man is wanted for trying to steal opiates but then stealing laxatives by mistake. Police believe he is on the runs.” (It sounds like an RJ Currie line, but isn’t.)
  • From comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “In London, parliament is debating Brexit. Eric Trump thinks Brexit is a hemorrhoid suppository.”
  • Hough, on Gregg Popovich angrily called a timeout 16 seconds into a Spurs game after the Wizards scored an easy bucket: “San Antonio ended up winning 132-119. You can’t win a game in the first quarter, but Pop knows that sometimes you can lose it.”
  • From Rolfsen: “The Pittsburgh TV sta • tion that showed a graphic labelling Tom Brady a ‘known cheater’ has fired the employee responsible. Luckily, he was immediately hired by Fox News.”
  • A profound comment from musician/stoner David Crosby: “If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss, what does smoking marijuana do?”
  • From Hough: “The Golden State Warriors look so good with five all-stars healthy, about the only thing that could stop them is Bill Vinovich’s NFL crew officiating the NBA final.”
  • From Leafs homer/Postmedia columnist Steve Simmons: “The best defence pair I’ve ever seen — Larry Robinson and Serge Savard — were both left-handed shots.” Coincidentally, Morgan Reilly and Jake Muzzin are left-handed shots.  
  • The best defensive pair I ever saw was Bobby Orr and anybody.
  • From Stephen Colbert: “Punxsutawney President saw Nancy Pelosi’s shadow, so we get three more weeks of government.”
  • Hough, on the Tampa Bay Rays announcing that Tropicana Field will become first cash-free sports venue in North America: “I wonder if the team got approval from both of their season-ticket holders?”