Keen on Arsenkina

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Three things UK researchers said after all the freshwater shrimp they tested had cocaine in their systems: 3. Blow me down; 2. That’s snow biz; 1. Anyone for a shrimp coke-tail?

• We are gathered today to note the passing of another Grand Slam curling season: Ashams to Ashams, brush to brush. 

• Calgary, Winnipeg and Toronto: three Canadian teams in the Stanley Cup playoffs, all gone after the first round. O-O-O Canada!

• Russia’s women’s curling team at the Champions Cup in Saskatoon had numerals on their shirts. Second Galina Arsenkina, for example, was nine  — although I think she’s a 10.

• The CFL’s Hamilton Ti-Cats have chosen a new Pigskin Pete to cheer their team. Not to be outdone, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers hired another grief counsellor.

• 76ers star Joel Embiid’s reported gastrointestinal problems in the Raptors series may have spread to teammates. ESPN said the Sixers started Game 3 with some explosive runs.

• Bruins forward Brad Marchand delivered a behind-the-back cheap shot to the head of Columbus blueliner Scott Harrington. In less expected news, the sun came up this morning.

• Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay paid $719,000 for the piano John Lennon wrote the Sgt. Pepper album on. On my income I’d have done something different. Let it be.

• A SportsCentre highlight showed a guy in the stands dumping a huge container of French fries while diving for a fly ball. Or in MLB lingo: he fried out.

• Italian swimmer Andrea Vergani has been suspended after testing positive for cannabis. An official became suspicious when she noticed Vergani’s nose-pincher was a roach clip.

• Upon hearing about her suspension for marijuana, Vergani said: “Whoa, dude. Like, are you, like, serious?”

• US tennis pro Sloane Stephens, newly engaged to Toronto FC’s Jozy Altidore, once said she “wished boys weren’t so stupid.” That’ll change with marriage: soon she’ll wish her husband wasn’t so stupid.

• The Mascot Hall of Fame opened up earlier this year. Essentially it’s a bunch of clowns in costume who aren’t the New York Knicks.

• Tuesday, April 30th, was National Honesty Day. President Trump was speechless.

RJ’s Punalty Box

A sure sign you have a pun problem. A fire destroys most of the upper parts of the historic Notre Dame Cathedral, and one of your first thoughts is, “Holy smokes.”