Bing-ooooh!

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BFive reasons thieves snatched London Marathon runner Lukas Bates’ Tower of Big Ben costume: 5. The clock struck one; 4. They needed a few minutes; 3. Second thoughts; 2. To run out the clock; 1. Hours is not to reason why.

• London police say whoever stole the Big Ben replica will face time.

• Bingo night took an unusual turn in Prince Albert, when a TV monitor started showing porn. Now we know why the cards’ free spaces said XXX. 

• A 2019 survey found half a million Canadians admitted to using cannabis at or just before work. In a related story, demands to be traded to the Toronto Raptors have skyrocketed.

• When Bruins pest Brad Marchand was twice asked by reporters after Round 2 about his curt replies, he said: “We’re on to Round 3.” Who’s his media advisor, Bill Belichick?

• The Hurricanes shocked hockey experts by eliminating the Islanders in four straight. Even Neil Diamond said “Sweep Carolina?”

• What would you call it if Tiger Woods and RuPaul decided to go curling? Crouching Tiger, Sliding Drag Queen.

• College sprinter Elija Godwin is in hospital after puncturing a lung by running backwards into a javelin. I backed into a javelin once: just before setting my school’s long-jump record.

• According to Scientific Reports, people who walk dogs are four times more likely to meet physical activity guidelines. And the dogs are four times more likely to feel pooped out.

• I’m worried about Arizona Cardinals coach Kliff Kingsbury giving his players cellphone breaks. If it goes too far, he may have to tackle hoarse callers.

• According to a new study, people are happiest at 70 years old. I can’t see anyone volunteering to tell Spurs coach Gregg Popovich.

• Police in Pennsylvania arrested two suspects accused of stealing over $21,000 worth of Victoria’s Secret panties. Sounds like a costly undertaking.

• Sharks centre Logan Couture lost two upper front teeth in Game 5 against the Golden Knights. I doubt that’s all he’ll want for Christmas. 

RJ’s Punalty Box

A Lexington, KY, store is selling $200 jars of manure produced by 1997 Derby winner Silver Charm. So it’s not just Kentucky basketball players that are one-and-dung.